I Deserve To Be Here
A lot can change in six years. The days went by and life marched on, but for Megan, one thing remained constant. The guilt of surviving.
It had been six years since the car accident that took the young lives of Megan's three friends. As the lone survivor, she was left with the weight of navigating life after a deeply traumatic event. The questions came and never seemed to stop. Why them? Why not me? Why weren't they given the chance to live, go to school, travel? Why am I still here?
“Survivor’s guilt isn’t as simple as being guilty that I was the only survivor, it is feeling guilty on the good days when you are smiling and loving life-because why do I deserve this and not my friends? It is feeling guilty on the bad days when you are sad and stuck in bed- because I should be taking advantage of this life and not wasting the days away.”
The path forward was difficult. On one hand, Megan found ways to live life to the fullest for her friends who never got the chance. She traveled, went to concerts and enrolled in university. On the other hand, she found herself shutting down, fearing the judgement of others and relying on alcohol when the waves of sadness hit like a brick wall.
When the six year anniversary of the accident arrived she chose to step into Returning to Spirit’s Roots of Reconciliation workshop. There were nerves, emotions, uncertainty and the fundamental question “What does reconciliation even look like?”
“It always seemed as something that can only be done once structural systems change and we as Indigenous people can no longer feel the cultural and social effects of colonization. This reconciliation workshop, however, showed me that reconciliation begins with you.”
For many people, the word reconciliation is about others. Other groups, communities, cultures, etc. The reality is, we all have areas of our lives that call for reconciliation. It might be friendships that were severed, relationships that ended badly, people we’ve lost, things we’ve said or done that we regret, traumatic events we haven’t been able to move forward from etc. We continue to live, but we are not at peace.
The timing was difficult and deeply emotional, and yet Megan stepped into the process with courage and determination. She looked at her own hurts, the things that were incomplete in her life and used the tools of RTS to begin healing.
“This four-day workshop was the first time I went completely sober for four days in a long time and I believe it helped me return to my spirit. I broke down my walls, expressed my hurt and was met with love and understanding. “
The transformation was truly incredible. It was once hard to imagine what the future would hold, but after attending Roots of Reconciliation, Megan finds it easier to think about. She can now see her life as lighter, filled with more courage to live life unapologetically and to be her authentic self.
“I feel I attended this workshop right when I needed to. […] Saying goodbye to our facilitators and friends in this workshop setting was the most impactful because I didn’t want it to end. “
Even after the darkest storms there are rainbows, giving us hope, light and a path forward. True to her spirit name, Leading Rainbow Woman, Megan is leading the way to a brighter future. A recent graduate from Brandon University, she is inspiring others not only by showing her incredible resiliency, but shining a light for others who may still be in their own storm.
After years of carrying the weight of survivor’s guilt, Megan is now able to make a powerful declaration.
“I deserve to be here.”
Our sincerest gratitude to Megan for her vulnerability, her willingness to share her experiences and for inspiring our entire team. We thank you.
